It's easy, free and it does both the recipient and the giver good.
– we’re talking about compliments. They’re also an important social lubricant. But how do you give a compliment that feels genuine and what should you absolutely not say?
The mingling season is here with student records, brännbol tournaments with work and yard parties with the neighbors. Some people think it's wonderful, while others think it's a nightmare to mingle with other people, especially those you don't know very well.
– The fact that we feel uncomfortable about socializing where we might be expected to give compliments is because we are not used to it. We haven't had as much training in giving and receiving compliments as in the US, for example. There it is a cultural code to throw compliments around, but we mostly think it feels strange, says psychologist Mattias Lundberg.
Another difference is that in the US you don't have to mean anything with a compliment, you just blurt out "I love your shoes!" in passing, almost as a greeting.
– And it may not matter that a compliment doesn't mean much because it serves its purpose.
Compliments may seem banal, such as when we praise someone's hairstyle or clothes. But a research study, reported by Harvard Business Review, shows that the recipient rarely feels uncomfortable, and on the contrary, even a banal compliment can brighten their whole day.
Mattias Lundberg believes that we often underestimate the value of compliments.
– They act as a social glue between people and help us connect and show appreciation.
Research shows that both the giver and the receiver of compliments feel good about them. Yet people report that they both give and receive far too few compliments. In an American study, 90 percent of participants stated that people should give each other compliments much more often. The reason they are so important is because we need to feel significant and appreciated as partners, colleagues, neighbors, parents, and children. Compliments also increase our general well-being and reduce the negative effects of stress, research shows. But how do you actually give a compliment that lands right? Mattias Lundberg believes that it largely depends on the context in which it is given.
– If it is in a work context, it is good if the compliment is directed at what the person does, for example the function the person has at the company. ”What a fun and interesting job you have. Tell me more!” can be a natural way to break the ice. However, it is not so appropriate to give compliments about appearance in a professional context, at least not if you do not know the person, he says.
Appearance in general and weight in particular are things you shouldn't just heap praise on.
– It can be perceived as crossing the line if you don't know the other person very well. The recipient may feel uncomfortable because the compliment feels unreasonable in that situation.
A good compliment, according to Mattias Lundberg, goes deeper, creates a conversation but without having an ulterior motive of personal gain. Instead of just saying ”nice pants!” you can add: ”I saw them in a shop window and thought the cuffs were so nice”. This way you can get a conversation started.
If you find compliments a tricky subject, there's only one thing to do: practice.
– Go for the superficial instead of getting more personal. The person receiving the compliment should feel comfortable. It is also important that you want to give it, otherwise it will feel contrived. Test yourself!
You can also prepare for a mingle by thinking about what you want to achieve with your compliments. Is it to make friends or business contacts? You might also want to ask yourself: Why am I at this mingle? The art of giving compliments may be difficult. But so is the art of receiving them.
– In fact, many people find it harder to receive a compliment than to give it. Here too, it's usually a matter of habit, but it can also be a matter of being shy and unsure of the situation.
– You may feel a little taken aback and find it embarrassing. You don't know how to respond to the praise. If you just reply with "Oh, thanks!" there's a big risk that the conversation will die down. Try to elaborate on your response.
For example, if someone says: ”What a great speech you gave,” you can say thank you but add ”I appreciate you saying that, I was a little nervous.”.
– Then you respond to the compliment while continuing the argument and inviting conversation, says Mattias Lundberg.
BY: Vivvi Alstrom
10 COMPLIMENTS TO TRY
”How well you handled the situation.” ”What a great insight you have.”
”You make everyday moments feel so special.”
”I am impressed by your ability to work under stress.”
”You bring out the best in people.”
”Nice outfit.”
”You are so inspiring.”
”You talk in a way that makes people really listen.”
”I can be myself with you.” ”You have such good taste.”
